I put off writing this for so long because I was really anxious about what to write.
Who am I now? What was the year really like? How much should I reveal? How long should this be?
It was all so nerve-racking. I know what 2019 was like for me, I know because I tried to document each day in my journal. I know because I woke up some days feeling overwhelmed by the person that I saw myself becoming. 2019 was such an intense year though, the end of a decade. What does that even mean to me? What does entering a new decade mean? Why is there so much freaking pressure? What’s my 5-year plan? 10-year plan? Who am I when no one is watching? Damn.
I’m just going to make a list of the highlights of my year:
- I spent time in a country that I could easily get lost in and still felt safe. I satisfied my wanderlust and got to spend time with both my sisters at the same time, in flesh.
- I maintained healthy relationships with the most important people in my life — friends, and family.
- I got a tattoo that reminds me of my growth and resilience and stubbornness (hehe). Realized I could do that because my life is mine — for the most part.
- Switched roles at work — got a better paying position and propelled my career in the right direction.
- Finally got over the fact that I, unfortunately, cannot actually be all things to all men.
- Moved houses. Found a corner of the world that feels like home, it gets so damn lonely but I love it.
- Built an entire user research team from scratch. Pushed for better UX practices across a bunch of projects.
- Got a side hustle with Farafina and I’m holding it down (hehe, send help)
- Explored my social side a little — dettied December a bit, made a couple of new friends (granted most of them are from work), went to see more movies, tried out a bunch of new restaurants, had fun yuno :)
- I started going to the gym, gained weight but my butt grew a little.
- Spent a lot of time with myself, overcame my fear of being on my own and accepted that I’ll probably spend most of my life by myself.
Now to the lows:
- Lost connections with a lot more people than the year before, some family included.
- I realized a little too late how much responsibility it was to take care of myself.
- Was overwhelmed by how easy it was to make wrong decisions when I was left on my own.
- I made a shit ton of mistakes, some of which I still haven’t learned any lessons from.
- Lost focus at some point and my productivity at work dipped.
- Realized how easy it is to break my own damn heart.
- Watched too much Netflix for my own good (Not really my fault shar, living alone can be mind-numbingly boring).
- Allowed my social anxiety take full control of my life (this is funny because before now, I could always just say that I had a curfew and so I couldn’t leave home, now the answer to every question about hanging out is No but I’m bored and I’m lonely so WTF??)
Every time I’m asked about my year, I say that it wasn’t a good year because my lows were so much more than this and I always feel the need to acknowledge them — which is okay. But it wasn’t a bad year either because my highs were euphoric and really made me feel alive. If there’s one thing that’s ridiculous though it’s that I’m alive and I’m glad that I am, it’s that I realize I still have so much to live for and I’m looking forward to my life regardless of the pressure and the uncertainties. I feel content with my existence and that’s not something I’ve ever felt. Whew, chile. If someone had told me in 2018 that I’ll feel this way, I’ll have laughed and blocked them on social media. Imma call up my therapist and let her know I won’t need her in 2020.
Let the game begin!
